It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
