i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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