In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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