I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
