we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
