if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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