**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
