i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We left the knife in your bed.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
