U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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