Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
