You're earring is so big in my mouth
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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