And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
