yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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