You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
