Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize