Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
