I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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