Duck Duck Cougar?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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