Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
