Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
