Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
