The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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