Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
