my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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