Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize