the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
