Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
