Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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