omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
my poor anus
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
