Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He better not be in your backpack
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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