you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
