he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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