I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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