I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
