I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Every concussion has its silver lining
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
