we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
