Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
