On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
