the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize