I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
