covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
