You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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