I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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