i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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