someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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