I hate all girls vehemently.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
