He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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