you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
