I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize