More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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