my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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