The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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