Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
