It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
