The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
