i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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