how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
