Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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