If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
