shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He shit in the fireplace
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
