Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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