I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
