Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize