sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
