Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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